Friday the 13th

I checked my facebook this past Friday and I have this really bad habit of checking my ex it-is-what-it-is-uncommitted-boy-friend’s facebook page. Maybe I should just call him by his name, but I won’t, that will make him even more real on my head.

He left me without a good bye, an explanation, a fight or a last kiss. Nothing; and ever since that day, more than eight months ago, I keep hoping, praying, and dreaming, that he will be back apologizing and asking me for my love again.

Facebook is my little window to his life, I feel like I am God because I can read and see a little about his life. Friday the 13th he took the “in a relationship” status off his description and his girl friend’s pictures were also gone. For a second, I though, I must have missed the information or I must have deleted the access to the pictures. But after checking and double checking, I realize that I was doing it alright. YES! She was gone and his status was gone with her.

My hurt jumped, my breath stopped, and my hands sweated. Is it possible? I though that now that she was gone I had a chance to be back with him, after all he was a single man again. My excitement was so great that I felt light headed and I though I was going to fall off the chair.

I called my closest friends and let them know about my joy. One of them cautioned me with a strong “so what?” He never loved you, he never cared for you, and he never committed to you. My other friend also cautioned me with a strong “be smart.” Do not answer the phone right away, make him believe that you are busy, do not call him. Two very different views from two people that I know love me.

I almost call. He is alone and surely he is thinking of me, after all I love him just the way he is and he knows that. I am glad I did not call. More than once I have reacted before thinking and this was going to be the same case because today after 4 days of suspense, stories on my head, and dreams in my bed, he placed her pictures back again and I am left with emptiness, disillusion, and deep sadness. I am such an idiot.